When Smallville Left
by Werid-O-Ville
Summary: After Clark leaves Smallville, Lois finds his diary.LOIS POINT OF VIEW ...ONE SHOT.


**ok so this is just a short one-shot fic, i thought of this while watching the film "the little black book" i don't really know why i thought of smallville lol **

**i don't own smallville **

**summary: After Clark leaves Smallville, Lois finds his diary.LOIS POINT OF VIEW ...ONE SHOT **

**"When Smallville left"**

That's it, i hate him! i hate him, i can't believe he would do this to me. run off to go and travel the world, what the hell about me? didn't i matter him? doesn't he care what his done to me. shit. i need to clam down. i know his sad but this is just taking the piss . Lana was killed last week by someone, ill put money on Lex. Clark took it hard and became very distant towards everybody, which is understandable, anyway he was closing him self and just not caring. which is odd for Smallvillle because even when his dad died he was still the Clark we all know,but this time something is different.

**ONE WEEK EARLER**

i walked up to the barn where i knew Clark would be. don't call him Clark he will know somethings up. as i ran up the stairs i almost tripped because i was in such a hurry to see him, nice one, i grunted regaining my balance. i reached the top of the stairs,and saw Smallville, standing, looking out the barn window at nothing, what's new? he always dose that, but there is something sadder about this stance, like he was searching the night's sky for something, Mabey Lana,no,not even he is that silly to think he will see Lana. i walk closer to him and i notice that my legs begin to shake, wow. have they always did that? i asked myself, not now, now is not the time to asking yourself pointless questions. i try to speak but no words come out, i step beside Smallville hoping that he would talk first.

he turned his head slightly so that i would know he noticed i was there, it's gestures like that that make me love... no way, shut up before i hit you, ok so i have lost it. im threatening to hit myself. please Smallville talk to me because in losing it here, i look at him.

and as if heard me he turned to face me and looked me square in the eye and spoke

" i would like to thank you for everything" what?, what i have i done? nothing, a big fat nothing, now i feel bad, shit your a bad friend

"Smallville what's going on?" i ask because to me his words seem like a good-bye, what the hell he isn't going anywhere, right?

he looked of into the sky again, he folded his arms over his chest that told me he had something big to say " i need sometime to think and regain myself, so" he turns to look at me, i can see the sadness in his eyes, i try and mask my own as i could sense what was coming before he even said it, grate another person i love leaving me, come on Clark just tell me what you waiting for?

" im leaving Smallville" he said, i knew he was going to say that but hearing the words for his mouth made a loud noise in my head, what?, shattering?, what?,what was that?, a voice in my head told me that that loud noise was the sound of my heart braking. really? i asked, yeah really.

i look away as i knew the pain would be evident on my face

"are you coming back?" hoping he will say yeah im coming back

"im not sure" i could feel him moving closer to me, but i planted my feet and refused to move, a tear escaped my eye, nice, wipe it away and grow up

"oh. ok" my voice cracked, damm it now he knows your upset

"im sorry Lois, but with Lana being killed my mum moving to Washington D.C" he pause trying to think of the best words to let me down easy. typical Smallville, always trying to what's right, but not this time nothing you can say could make this right. nothing

"i just can't take it anymore i feel trapped and i now know the reason, is not Lana, my mum, Chloe or you,it's not even Lex. it's Smallville. i just need to get out before i turn into something that i don't want to be" he sounded like a lost puppy in the middle of a field,looking for away out. i understand this, i have done this. when my mother died i couldn't take it no more so i left, eventually i went back, so i had a little hope that Clark would come back. eventually

"i understand" i managed to say with no emotion, i checked my eyes where dry, i went to turn around but stopped as i felt him move even closer, the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as i felt his breath on my neck, the smell of his clone was like the smell of home cooked cake,awhhh Stop, god. how can he caused me so much pain and fix it all at the same time,just by coming near me? well i think you know why

"Lois, will you please look at me?" he voice was soft like it was a secret that nobody else should here, that made me feel special like so many other things he dose. no. i can't turn around, one look from him and it would be over, i would cry and he would try and comfort me and i can't deal with that right now, you have to turn around or he will move to face me, ok it settled.

i turned around my breath caught in my throat as i saw how close we where standing, almost like if he asked me to look something on his face, i look into his eyes, could that be, no of course it's not you,fool. enough look somewhere else

"i just want you to know that...your a good friend and i will never forget you" he choked, no did he? i looked at him, his eyes where shinny like he wanted to cry but couldn't. no i must be just imagining this, no way could he be that upset over me?

"i...i.. you have made me believe in myself, and make me feel as if i can do anything" he looked me direct in the eyes and he raised his hand to my face to wipe away the tear that had fell. wow, his touch was what i was waiting for all my life i knew that know, it felt like smooth melted chocolate running over my cheek, my heart instantly mended and grew bigger than before

before i could speak he pulled his hand away for my face, and encircled me in a hug. he moved his arms around my mid section. i didn't know what to do so i just let him hug me. ohh i have had a hug off Smallville before but never like this, this hug felt like the world was going to end, well in so may way's it was, well mine anyway. just as i was going to pull back and wipe my eyes which again filled with silent tears. i felt Clark shake a little. i wondered is he cold? or is he crying? why?. my suspicion where confirmed when he nestled his head into my neck. hot water droplets ran down my neck and down my cleavage. shit he was crying. with out think about it anymore, i let go, i begin to cry too,i wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer. we needed this, we need a good cry. so many things have happened in Smallville and no of us complained, no of us cried , but today was the day i would cry for everyone one i lost, for everyone who i ever loved. for everyone who i love. and for the man clutching me to death. i thought my heart had healed by his touch but i had not, it was just held together with false hope

After what seemed like my life time, we broke apart and dried our eyes, this really was good-bye, was it?, no, im usually the one that say's good- bye to people not the other way around. i have to do something, something. anything.

"don't say anything Lois it will only make this worse" somehow he knew i was going to talk, how did he know? i kept my mouth shut and wondered when he was leaving. well if he told me today i bet it was tomorrow he was walking out of my life. oh god come on Lane. this is not just about you, it's about everybody, pull yourself together. i regained my composer and put on my best face and smiled a bit

" ill see you around Smallville" and with that i left before he could say anything.

**END OF A WEEK ERILER FLASH BACK**

the next day he was gone, just gone, i called Chloe she said he came round earlier to say good-bye to her, i felt a stab of jealousy, that he went to see Chloe and not me. but then i thought back to the night before, we said our good-byes and that was that. during the last week i tried to busy myself with the daily planet. i was making plans to move to metropolis just as Chloe did, she offered to let me stay with her which i accepted for the time being. i have been packing up my stuff from my apartment all week, to put in storage until i get my own apartment. this was taking longer that i planned, i have so much stuff.

about two hours later i had finished, my car loaded, i was driving towards metropolis but i had to pass the farm first, no, yeah come on just for a few minutes. Martha isn't there you may as well go and make sure Clarks gone, durr of course his gone it been a week. well if i had bothered to go back then i would have know for sure, but i was scared. forget it i pulled into the road that leads me to the Kent farm, this feels like a good-bye too, i mean it's just a house and barn, why am i bothering? no one's hear, that's not the point

i pulled up at the side of the barn and turned my engine off, i opened the door and step out,the door slammed and echoed around the empty farm. my legs suddenly felt like jelly, i walked up the barn steps, it was empty just as i thought it would be. i reached the top of the stairs, i stopped, i froze,you knew he was not here. i moved over to his desk and sat down at the chair, i miss him, i miss him so much,i can't believe it,i feel like i belong here. like im apart of the wood work, the barn, Clarks hide out from the world. i looked around the room so many memories in this room, i stretched my arms out and knocked over a pen holder causing the pens to go all over the floor. grate just what i wanted to do, cause a mess, i began to pick them up, but as i bent down to the ground i looked up under desk, what the hell? there was a key taped to the bottom, what was that for? then i looked at the draw of his desk,a ahhh that what it's for, i sat down on the floor and picked up the rest of the pens, and just sat there staring the draw, should i?, no it's wrong, but i have to, i just have to know what's in that draw. in no time i ripped the key for under the table and slowly place it into the lock and turned it. i slowly pulled open the draw a little at first, but saw nothing. come on Lane what where you where looking for? love letters that he was to afraid to send to you. if there is any letters in the draw they would be for the queen of pink, the one the only love of Clarks Kent's life, Lana - im so perfect - Lang.

but still i couldn't seem to stop,i pulled the draw fully open and to my surprise there was no love letters, no pictures of anybody no nothing, just, what? he kept that thing, the dairy i had brought him for his birthday like years ago. i reached for it, wow, it was like really thin when i gave it to him,now it looked like a encyclopaedia bulging with extra pages and information. i kept a hold of his journal and moved to sit back on the chair, i clutched it as if it was him, this was it i would know for sure how he felt about me, i needed to know. i was so sure he thought i was annoying and piss him off, but after the way he cried and thanked me for being me, i wondered did he care?, had he wanted more?, squeezing my eyes shut as a the tears burned my eyes the memories of Clark came to me, i tried to block them out but it was no use

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_he kissed me on the cheek, wow, i feel dizzy, no really hold on to something, what?. what's that?, ohh yeah the chair, ok now sit and try and act normal god dam it, im attracted to Clark, oh that can't be, yeah it is, i laughed out loud, if that what a kiss on the cheek done form Clark can you imagine what a kiss on the mouth would do to me. god stop, he kissed you because we are standing under mistletoe, what makes you think that he would ever kiss you on the mouth._

_"merry Christmas Lois"_

_try and talk,mouth dry "merry Christmas, Smallville" god i love the holidays, but of course i will never tell him that. _

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"_ok let's go in now,you look cold" Clark looked at me, no i don't want to go in, i like it out here_

"_No, come on, we just got here " i told him, the fireworks had just started and there was no way im going anywhere yet, im cold so, that i can no longer feel my legs_

_"ok, well at least let me help" he wrapped a arm around my shoulders, cold? who's cold?, not me, not now_

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"_So you keep things huh?" i laughed as i looked over Clark's shoulder, into a box marked 'memories', wow i knew he was sappy but this is just puke you guts out, like one of those sappy love stories _

"_yes i do, for the future" he said it like it's something he has to do, or he will forget everyone. well that box is probably full of Lana's stuff, i can just imagine Clark saving the napkin Lana wiped her mouth on, on the first date, or a piece of her hair from when she was 10 years old. awhh stop it, enough of the bashing, i looked at Clark, he closed the lid of the ugly looking box and sealed it back up with tape _

_"well i say good for you" there. let him know that i didn't think he was sad_

_"you think im a sad-o don't you?" oh, how well you known me, im sure he has power to read my mind, no, he just knows' me well, to well for my liking _

_"not at all, i just don't think i would do the same thing" that's a lie you kept lots of things for the past,yes i did but im not telling him_

_"why?" can we drop it, no, i know that's not going to happen_

_"i don't forget, i don't need a bunch of junk to remind me" i told him, that's not true Lane, why lie?_

_"no, i know you don't but it's nice to remember with items" he smiled, i melted a little _

_"well do you have something of mine in there?" no of course he wouldn't, i just had to ask _

_"maybe" is all he said_

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i have to look, i look down at Clarks journal, this would be invasion of his privacy, no he left, so if he didn't want this to be found then he wouldn't have left it?. or mabey he didn't expect anyone to find it. i throw the journal frustrated as what to do with it. come on do it,if you want to know what he thought about?,but what if it's not good? what if im not in the book? what if what he say's about me is bad?. dear god Lane will you just look at it, ok yeah that's what im going to do, i got up and walk over to where Clarks journal had landed, i picked it up along with two or three newspaper articles that fell out and place them back inside the pages.

walking back over to my chair i get the sudden feeling that im being watched, i look around, i see nothing, crazy and paranoid, yep that's me. i sit down again, i place the journal in my lap, so this is it, something you should never do look in a dairy, im not bad i just have too, i need to, even if i read it i could always put it back and no one would know. ok enough just do it. i run my finger over the conner of the journal and open the first page, the page was blank apart from the message i wrote.

_ To Smallville_

_ Next time you have amnesia, use this book to help you remember_

_ and don't come bothering me._

_ happy birthday Clarkie _

_ x Lois x_

what a dope, what the hell was i thinking writing that as a birthday message, anyway i should read the rest before it gets dark, because like it or not. there is no way im taking this journal with me. i turned the page again,i read slowly, remember Lane this is Smallville's private thoughts so don't fly off the handles if it turns out he hates you.

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_Tuesday 5th May 2006_

_i really don't know how to do one of these thing's, but ill give it a try since Lois went out of her way to buy the journal for me. i missed dad today allot, my mum was grate and Chloe they made this day special. and of course Lois, let's talk about her for a sec, Lois really surprised me today! she made me a birthday cake, i made fun of it, in no way did if find it funny in fact i thought that was the best birthday present she could have got me. that is until she gave me this journal. wow she's just so surprising at times, as i told her, at time's i think she doesn't know me at all, and times i think she knows me better than anyone. well anyway i think i may be getting to Lois in my own way. im going to watch her and report back to this lovely book ._

_and lets not go on to explain what else happened today,because it's weird and i don't want this book to be about the weird things that happen in Smallville_

i knew it, i knew he liked the cake and what's this " im going to watch her and report back" weird. thank god he like this journal. i continue to flip threw the pages, there is a least one page for everyday since i gave him this book, wow, i would really love to read it all, ok ,ok think. what am i looking for? some indication that Clark had feelings for me, no! arrh who are you kidding of course that's what your looking for. umm think back when did Clark start acting weird?i laugh out loud, his always been weird, no seriously . after the valentines day incident. oh my god i wonder if he wrote something in here about that? i flip threw the pages may,June, July so on and so on until i got to the date i was looking for here goes, i read with apprehension

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_Thursday 14th February 2006_

_Today was something else all right. im going to try and run threw today's events as fast as possible.._

_I was getting ready to spent a nice quite night in and watch so movie when Chloe drags me to the talon where here having a valentines day party, i felt silly that's until i saw Lois,then i thought what the hell so i stayed, me and Lois go talking and something she said upset me all-tough i can't remember, so i left, funny everything Lois seems to say to me lately i take to heart, i wonder why that is? any way i leave and head home thinking about how alone i am._

_The next day Lois comes over in this super, super hot little mini skirt and a very revealing top. i had to drag my eyes away from here chest because my mother was there, she was shocked too, my mum left and Lois closed the space between us,i froze speechless she but her arms around me, i could feel my face on fire, i go to lean in but i pulled back when my head started doing the thinking. she gave me CD of White-snake which shocked me, i knew right from then something was off but the CD just confirmed it, before i did something stupid i took off to find Chloe in hope that she can tell me what happened to Lois last night after i left._

_At the planet i told Chloe what Lois was like and she laughed at me not believing her cousin would act that way. that was until Lois showed up showing us her fake tattoo she had done on her chest well, umm boob. yet again i had to tear my eyes way for her chest area. Chloe left and Lois pushed me in a phone booth and tried to kiss me, i tried to put up a fight but i just couldn't then she landed one on me. something else took over my body i felt free, i did what i wanted to do and right then i wanted Lois so i kissed her back._

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ok i can't breath, Smallville remembered that day and didn't tell me?, oh my god Smallville he, he said "super hot little mini skirt" he thinks im hot? oh, why didn't he say anything? and why didn't he tell me he could remember?. i shift in the chair im sitting in, wow it's so hot in here, i look over to the window, the sun was setting, i had to go if i had any chance of getting to metropolis before the sun come up again, i smirk now im just being dramatic, i look at my watch, 6.23 p.m. no way i had been here two whole hours. i better read this quick otherwise ill be here for ever.

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_me and Lois some how between our hot and heavy kisses ended up in a office. where we where going to make our new found relationship more physical, i was so up for it, i threw all the things of the desk to put Lois on, thank god she doesn't remember what happened because she would have killed me by now._

_anyway she said something i can't remember but i felt an over powering need to show her what im made off, so i did and lets just say she was all over me after that. we where fooling around in the Oliver's old apartment, i literally ripped Lois's top to get to her, but i spotted Lana's wedding invention and i suggested we crash the party and later we could finish what we started. we change into better cloths and destroyed Lana's wedding party which im not happy about. i insulted my friends and family, and then insulted Lois and ran off with Lana. why? i don't even love her any more. well differently not now._

_so that was pretty much it, when i got Lana to the barn i tormented her and forced myself on her, but before i did anything more stupid my mum saved me and before i knew it i was back to normal._

_now im in my room i just had a shower, i just can't stop thinking about Lois, when i kissed her, just thinking about it is making my stomach burn. oh no not again, i should drop the thought,anyway i know ill have to say sorry to all the people who i hurt tonight. im not looking forward to seeing Lois, i have no idea how im going to face her, i talked to Chloe i know she doesn't remember anything, good but i do, i can't tell her what happened, so i think ill pretended i don't remember nothing, which is going to be hard because she knows me better than i know my self. awh well im going to sleep now._

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a tear fell down my cheek, i wipe it way before it had a chance to fall any further, Smallville remembered and didn't tell me. what did he think i was going to do to him? to tell the truth i don't know what i would have done, i feel so sad, he may have had feelings for me and all i did was pretended i didn't have feelings for him by taunting him and make fun of him. i just want to crawl into a hole and die, i breath heavily trying to control my breathing. i need him here, i need to tell him i care for him, i need to tell him that i want him. there is nothing i can do about it now, his gone. and i should be gone, i need to go now it's late and i have travelling to do. put i just can't put the book down, this is the only thing i have left of Clark, the only chance i have to find out what he thinks. oh god his coming back his not gone forever, well i hope not because i would look for him. just one more entry ill read and then i will go and start my new life in metropolis. i turn to the last entry in the diary.

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_Thursday 27th September 2007_

_my secret has become a major burden,i use to think that it was a gift but now i don't. Chloe and my mom know and that's it, i feel so trapped. they really don't understand what I am going through. I also hate the fact that i can't tell Lois. I want to tell her so much it's making me sick. she always there for me and this is how i repay her by lying. how could I ask for a better best friend? yeah i know she thinks Chloe is my best friend but she's wrong, Chloe is my oldest friend and i lover her as a sister, plus she helps me with my secret, but Lois is just my friend for who i am. not what i can do and i love that about her._

_She always helps me and pushes me to be a better man. If she knew who i really am she maybe able could help me through stuff i can't handle,But I will not put her in danger i would rather die. Lois can protect herself but still doesn't mean she can protect herself against my enemies, i worry like hell about her if anything happened to her i don't know what i would do. I trust her so much, but i will no to be the reason for her being hurt, also im afraid she will be scared of me and that would tear me apart. i can just imagine her call me a freak and never looking in my way again,but i would like to think that i would still be her Smallville,im used to being called Smallville, i never told anyone this but Lana called me smallville once and i nearly had a fit, well i did me and Lana got into a big argument and all that. i actually like the nickname but I'll never tell Lois that,but that doesn't mean anyone else can call me it, it's personal to me and makes me feel closer to Lois._

_I thought about Lana today, i feel sad that she died regardless of what happened between us she was still my friend and i never wish death on anyone. R.I.P LANA i will miss you._

_now i have to leave and do my training, Lois just left she didn't take the news i was leaving well, even though she thought i didn't notice but i did. seeing her cry almost made me say ill stay, but i knew i couldn't. see if told her who i am then she would understand, but that's not going to happen._

_i fell so useless i don't know how Lois feels about me, but i do know no matter where i go and where ever i may end up. i know that i will love Lois more as each day passes. and hopefully i can tell her when i see her again. i love her i always will_

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the journal falls out of my hand,he loves me, Smallville loves me and i was to busy with my own feelings and doubts notice it. im cry so hard i can't breath. i need to go, i grab the book but it back in the draw lock it and but the key back, and leave the barn. i can't believe he thinks that much of me, and what's his secret? why didn't he tell me? i don't know, i open the door to my car and get in and drive to my new home. i wipe the last of the tears that fell, i would wait for him to come back to me, so that i can tell him how i feel about him, i could finally tell him i love him.

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R&R thank you for reading


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